CMR Canada  Employee and Family Assistance Programs 
Serving Canadians for 21 Years
 

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CMR Canada - Employee and Family Assistance Programs

Head Office:  Suite 3500, Bow Valley Square 2, 205 - 5 Avenue SW, Calgary, Alberta   T2P2V7
Telephone (403) 263-2200  Fax (403) 256-8291  E-mail: cmr@cmrcanada.ca

March 2003

                

The Family

Bullying - Safety Tips

What is bullying ?

Children's safety is often one of parents' main concerns. Parents today hope their children are safe at home, at school and at the playground. Despite the best precautions, there are rare cases in which your child could be a victim of bullying. The following recommendations may help your child if he/she is being bullied, or prevent your child from ever becoming a victim to bullies.

What is bullying? If a youth or a gang at school steals goods or money from your child, is insulting or shows contempt, threatens or hits your child, or forces him/her to do things against his/her will; then it's called bullying. These incidents are rare, but your child could become a victim. The following useful tips should be read and discussed with your child.

To prevent bullying

If your child is being bullied

After your child has been bullied

If your child has been bullied, it is important he/she tell someone as soon as possible; his/her parents, a teacher or a friend. When a child becomes a victim of bullying, it is normal to feel upset and afraid as well as being embarrassed to talk about it.

Your child has one of two choices: not to talk about it and risk that the situation gets worse, or to talk about it with someone he/she trusts, either with you his/her parents, a teacher, his/her brother or sister or even with a friend. Remember to tell him/her to talk about it. By talking, the child will begin to feel better.

Offer him/her your help. Ask him/her to talk about it. If he/she refuses to talk and you detect that something just isn't right, communicate with:

By regularly exchanging information about your child's relationships with others (students, school educators, friends, etc.) your child will feel he/she can trust you and will tell you about the things he/she is dealing with.

If your child is being bullied, you should remind him/her that:

Be proactive toward bullying

If your child is being bullied, do something about it! Be proactive towards bullying. If your child tells you he/she is being bullied, do something immediately to try to find a solution as quickly as possible.

Once again, it is important to communicate with the proper authorities :

LINKS

Brothers, Sisters and Friends. Bullying at School: Advice for Families, 1997, page 9 -The Scottish Council for Research in Education (SCRE) (English only)

Bullying: Information for Parents and Teachers by the London Family Court Clinic (English only)

Internet Safety

How to Protect Children from Internet Predators

The Internet is a wonderful tool, but it also has its downside. Predators roam the Internet looking for children that want and need attention. So how do you protect your kids?

Your first line of defense is to be open with your children and discuss the dangers of the Internet. You probably tell your kids all the time, "Don't talk to strangers", but when they go into a chat room, you allow them to talk to strangers. A predator's typing looks exactly the same as a fifteen-year-old's typing. The only difference is that the predator is trying to gain your child's confidence. After he gains the child's confidence, he will talk them into being secretive. A young impressionable teen trying to gain his independence is no match for these masters. Your teen may at some point feel there is danger, but he may not want to tell his parents for fear of being punished.

Even random conversations can get a child into trouble without knowing it. An online conversation may go something like this:

Poohbear105: We won our softball game today!
Dillan955: Congrats! What team do you play for?
Poohbear105: I play for the Jonestown Wildcats.
Dillan955: Cool, my team is Centerville Sluggers I play 2nd base
Poohbear105: I play 3rd base
Dillan955: We haven't started playing yet it is too cold here in northeast PA
Poohbear105: I hate the cold I am so glad I live in FL
Dillan955:I can't wait for Tuesday it is our first game
Poohbear105: Cool! I have a game on Tuesday too

Poohbear doesn't realize it but she just told Dillan what town she lives in and where she will be next Tuesday. She also told him what team she plays for and what position. It is fairly simple to find out the game schedule. Poohbear could have a visitor at her next game.

Remember that parents are not immune to the danger either. It is easy to trust someone that you have talked to for a long time. Even though you have never met the person face to face, you feel as though you know them. Over time, little bits of information slip. All these little bits of information can add up to telling someone your name, address, telephone number, neighbors names and addresses, your work and home schedule, and more. You will have your guard up about giving too much information.

You will need to give your children constant reminders that their online friends may not really be as they seem. Also, constant reminders not to give out personal information are essential. Print out and sign an agreement that you and your child will stay safe and what your family's answers will be when asked specific questions.

A Parent's Guide to Internet Safety

Introduction

While on-line computer exploration opens a world of possibilities for children, expanding their horizons and exposing them to different cultures and ways of life, they can be exposed to dangers as they hit the road exploring the information highway. There are individuals who attempt to sexually exploit children through the use of on-line services and the Internet. Some of these individuals gradually seduce their targets through the use of attention, affection, kindness, and even gifts. These individuals are often willing to devote considerable amounts of time, money, and energy in this process. They listen to and empathize with the problems of children. They will be aware of the latest music, hobbies, and interests of children. These individuals attempt to gradually lower children's inhibitions by slowly introducing sexual context and content into their conversations.

There are other individuals, however, who immediately engage in sexually explicit conversation with children. Some offenders primarily collect and trade child-pornographic images, while others seek face-to-face meetings with children via on-line contacts. It is important for parents to understand that children can be indirectly victimized through conversation, i.e. "chat," as well as the transfer of sexually explicit information and material. Computer-sex offenders may also be evaluating children they come in contact with on-line for future face-to-face contact and direct victimization. Parents and children should remember that a computer-sex offender can be any age or sex the person does not have to fit the caricature of a dirty, unkempt, older man wearing a raincoat to be someone who could harm a child.

Children, especially adolescents, are sometimes interested in and curious about sexuality and sexually explicit material. They may be moving away from the total control of parents and seeking to establish new relationships outside their family. Because they may be curious, children/adolescents sometimes use their on-line access to actively seek out such materials and individuals. Sex offenders targeting children will use and exploit these characteristics and needs. Some adolescent children may also be attracted to and lured by on-line offenders closer to their age who, although not technically child molesters, may be dangerous. Nevertheless, they have been seduced and manipulated by a clever offender and do not fully understand or recognize the potential danger of these contacts.

This guide was prepared from actual investigations involving child victims, as well as investigations where law enforcement officers posed as children. Further information on protecting your child on-line may be found in the  Victims of Violence website.

What Are Signs That Your Child Might Be At Risk On-line?

Your child spends large amounts of time on-line, especially at night.

Most children that fall victim to computer-sex offenders spend large amounts of time on-line, particularly in chat rooms. They may go on-line after dinner and on the weekends. They may be latchkey kids whose parents have told them to stay at home after school. They go on-line to chat with friends, make new friends, pass time, and sometimes look for sexually explicit information. While much of the knowledge and experience gained may be valuable, parents should consider monitoring the amount of time spent on-line.

Children on-line are at the greatest risk during the evening hours. While offenders are on-line around the clock, most work during the day and spend their evenings on-line trying to locate and lure children or seeking pornography.

You find pornography on your child's computer.

Pornography is often used in the sexual victimization of children. Sex offenders often supply their potential victims with pornography as a means of opening sexual discussions and for seduction. Child pornography may be used to show the child victim that sex between children and adults is "normal." Parents should be conscious of the fact that a child may hide the pornographic files on diskettes from them. This may be especially true if the computer is used by other family members.

Your child receives phone calls from men you don't know or is making calls, sometimes long distance, to numbers you don't recognize.

While talking to a child victim on-line is a thrill for a computer-sex offender, it can be very cumbersome. Most want to talk to the children on the telephone. They often engage in "phone sex" with the children and often seek to set up an actual meeting for real sex.

While a child may be hesitant to give out his/her home phone number, the computer-sex offenders will give out theirs. With Caller ID, they can readily find out the child's phone number. Some computer-sex offenders have even obtained toll-free 800 numbers, so that their potential victims can call them without their parents finding out. Others will tell the child to call collect. Both of these methods result in the computer-sex offender being able to find out the child's phone number.

Your child receives mail, gifts, or packages from someone you don't know.

As part of the seduction process, it is common for offenders to send letters, photographs, and all manner of gifts to their potential victims. Computer-sex offenders have even sent plane tickets in order for the child to travel across the country to meet them.

Your child turns the computer monitor off or quickly changes the screen on the monitor when you come into the room.

A child looking at pornographic images or having sexually explicit conversations does not want you to see it on the screen.

Your child becomes withdrawn from the family.

Computer-sex offenders will work very hard at driving a wedge between a child and their family or at exploiting their relationship. They will accentuate any minor problems at home that the child might have. Children may also become withdrawn after sexual victimization.

Your child is using an on-line account belonging to someone else.

Even if you don't subscribe to an on-line service or Internet service, your child may meet an offender while on-line at a friend's house or the library. Most computers come preloaded with on-line and/or Internet software. Computer-sex offenders will sometimes provide potential victims with a computer account for communications with them.

What Should You Do If You Suspect Your Child Is Communicating With A Sexual Predator On-line?

·        Consider talking openly with your child about your suspicions. Tell them about the dangers of computer-sex offenders.

·        Review what is on your child's computer. If you don't know how, ask a friend, coworker, relative, or other knowledgeable person. Pornography or any kind of sexual communication can be a warning sign.

·       Use the Caller ID service to determine who is calling your child. Most telephone companies that offer Caller ID also offer a service that allows you to block your number from appearing on someone else's Caller ID. Telephone companies also offer an additional service feature that rejects incoming calls that you block. This rejection feature prevents computer-sex offenders or anyone else from calling your home anonymously.

·       Devices can be purchased that show telephone numbers that have been dialed from your home phone. Additionally, the last number called from your home phone can be retrieved provided that the telephone is equipped with a redial feature. You will also need a telephone pager to complete this retrieval.

·       This is done using a numeric-display pager and another phone that is on the same line as the first phone with the redial feature. Using the two phones and the pager, a call is placed from the second phone to the pager. When the paging terminal beeps for you to enter a telephone number, you press the redial button on the first (or suspect) phone. The last number called from that phone will then be displayed on the pager.

·       Monitor your child's access to all types of live electronic communications (i.e., chat rooms, instant messages, Internet Relay Chat, etc.), and monitor your child's e-mail. Computer-sex offenders almost always meet potential victims via chat rooms. After meeting a child on-line, they will continue to communicate electronically often via e-mail.

Should any of the following situations arise in your household, via the Internet or on-line service, you should immediately contact your local police, or the RCMP.  

1.        Your child or anyone in the household has received child pornography;

2.        Your child has been sexually solicited by someone who knows that your child is       under 18 years of age;

3.        Your child has received sexually explicit images from someone that knows your child is under the age of 18.

If one of these scenarios occurs, keep the computer turned off in order to preserve any evidence for future law enforcement use. Unless directed to do so by the law enforcement agency, you should not attempt to copy any of the images and/or text found on the computer.

What Can You Do To Minimize The Chances Of An On-line Exploiter Victimizing Your Child?

·       Communicate, and talk to your child about sexual victimization and potential on-line danger.

·        Spend time with your children on-line. Have them teach you about their favorite on-line destinations.

·       Keep the computer in a common room in the house, not in your child's bedroom. It is much more difficult for a computer-sex offender to communicate with a child when the computer screen is visible to a parent or another member of the household.

·       Utilize parental controls provided by your service provider and/or blocking software. While electronic chat can be a great place for children to make new friends and discuss various topics of interest, it is also prowled by computer-sex offenders. Use of chat rooms, in particular, should be heavily monitored. While parents should utilize these mechanisms, they should not totally rely on them.

·       Always maintain access to your child's on-line account and randomly check his/her e-mail. Be aware that your child could be contacted through the U.S. Mail. Be up front with your child about your access and reasons why.

·       Teach your child the responsible use of the resources on-line. There is much more to the on-line experience than chat rooms.

·       Find out what computer safeguards are utilized by your child's school, the public library, and at the homes of your child's friends. These are all places, outside your normal supervision, where your child could encounter an on-line predator.

·       Understand, even if your child was a willing participant in any form of sexual exploitation, that he/she is not at fault and is the victim. The offender always bears the complete responsibility for his or her actions.

·        Instruct your children:

§      to never arrange a face-to-face meeting with someone they met on- line;

§      to never upload (post) pictures of themselves onto the Internet or on-line service to people they do not personally know;

§      to never give out identifying information such as their name, home address, school name, or telephone number;

§      to never download pictures from an unknown source, as there is a good chance there could be sexually explicit images;

§      to never respond to messages or bulletin board postings that are suggestive, obscene, belligerent, or harassing;

§      that whatever they are told on-line may or may not be true.

Frequently Asked Questions:

My child has received an e-mail advertising for a pornographic website, what should I do?

Generally, advertising for an adult, pornographic website that is sent to an e-mail address does not violate federal law or the current laws of most states. In some states it may be a violation of law if the sender knows the recipient is under the age of 18. Such advertising can be reported to your service provider and, if known, the service provider of the originator. It can also be reported to your state and federal legislators, so they can be made aware of the extent of the problem.

Is any service safer than the others?

Sex offenders have contacted children via most of the major on-line services and the Internet. The most important factors in keeping your child safe on-line are the utilization of appropriate blocking software and/or parental controls, along with open, honest discussions with your child, monitoring his/her on-line activity, and following the tips in this pamphlet.

Should I just forbid my child from going on-line?

There are dangers in every part of our society. By educating your children to these dangers and taking appropriate steps to protect them, they can benefit from the wealth of information now available on-line.

Helpful Definitions:

Internet - An immense, global network that connects computers via telephone lines and/or fiber networks to storehouses of electronic information. With only a computer, a modem, a telephone line and a service provider, people from all over the world can communicate and share information with little more than a few keystrokes.

Bulletin Board Systems (BBSs) - Electronic networks of computers that are connected by a central computer setup and operated by a system administrator or operator and are distinguishable from the Internet by their "dial-up" accessibility. BBS users link their individual computers to the central BBS computer by a modem which allows them to post messages, read messages left by others, trade information, or hold direct conversations. Access to a BBS can, and often is, privileged and limited to those users who have access privileges granted by the systems operator.

Commercial On-line Service (COS) - Examples of COSs are America Online, Prodigy, CompuServe and Microsoft Network, which provide access to their service for a fee. COSs generally offer limited access to the Internet as part of their total service package.

Internet Service Provider (ISP) - Examples of ISPs are Erols, Concentric and Netcom. These services offer direct, full access to the Internet at a flat, monthly rate and often provide electronic-mail service for their customers. ISPs often provide space on their servers for their customers to maintain World Wide Web (WWW) sites. Not all ISPs are commercial enterprises. Educational, governmental and nonprofit organizations also provide Internet access to their members.

Public Chat Rooms - Created, maintained, listed and monitored by the COS and other public domain systems such as Internet Relay Chat. A number of customers can be in the public chat rooms at any given time, which are monitored for illegal activity and even appropriate language by systems operators (SYSOP). Some public chat rooms are monitored more frequently than others, depending on the COS and the type of chat room. Violators can be reported to the administrators of the system (at America On-line they are referred to as terms of service [TOS]) which can revoke user privileges. The public chat rooms usually cover a broad range of topics such as entertainment, sports, game rooms, children only, etc.

Electronic Mail (E-Mail) - A function of BBSs, COSs and ISPs which provides for the transmission of messages and files between computers over a communications network similar to mailing a letter via the postal service. E-mail is stored on a server, where it will remain until the addressee retrieves it. Anonymity can be maintained by the sender by predetermining what the receiver will see as the "from" address. Another way to conceal one's identity is to use an "anonymous remailer," which is a service that allows the user to send an e-mail message repackaged under the remailer's own header, stripping off the originator's name completely.

Chat - Real-time text conversation between users in a chat room with no expectation of privacy. All chat conversation is accessible by all individuals in the chat room while the conversation is taking place.

Instant Messages - Private, real-time text conversation between two users in a chat room.

Internet Relay Chat (IRC) - Real-time text conversation similar to public and/or private chat rooms on COS.

Usenet (Newsgroups) - Like a giant, cork bulletin board where users post messages and information. Each posting is like an open letter and is capable of having attachments, such as graphic image files (GIFs). Anyone accessing the newsgroup can read the postings, take copies of posted items, or post responses. Each newsgroup can hold thousands of postings. Currently, there are over 29,000 public newsgroups and that number is growing daily. Newsgroups are both public and/or private. There is no listing of private newsgroups. A user of private newsgroups has to be invited into the newsgroup and be provided with the newsgroup's address.

Federal Bureau of Investigation
Crimes Against Children Program
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Room 11163
Washington, D.C. 20535 Telephone (202) 324-3666 

Your Employee and Family Assistance Program

Purpose:   The EFAP assists you and your family resolve personal problems and maintain healthy and productive lives. 

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