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Holiday Stress

Dr. Heidi Lilienthal

"Christmas won't be Christmas without any presents."
-- Jo March (Louisa May Alcott)

It is interesting that a recent radio talk show reported that one of the "best" children’s books this year is entitled Too Many Toys -- something about a youngster having too many toys so they just sit in their room and don't play with any of them. Yes indeed, an interesting sign of our times.

There are many reasons why most people find the holiday season stressful. Holiday stressors may be triggered by (and also trigger) various types of stress and emotional pain. A seemingly simple example is holiday eating. The holidays are associated with special foods and lots of eating! Unfortunately, many people cope with stress by increasing their food intake or by obsessing about weight and food intake. The combination of factors regarding food that culminate around the holidays is often problematic for many. The cycle of sometimes negative patterns triggered by the holiday season may also be experienced with other activities such as alcohol and/or drug use, increased and often "out of control" spending, speeding around in cars to hurry and scurry, and so on.

Increased pressure on time is a common experience during the holiday season. Many extra events crammed into the same 24 hours often leads to deficiencies in sleep, increases in "junk" food consumption to save time, and increase in absenteeism from work. "Not surprisingly, the Christmas holidays are the height of the flu season," writes Sarah Ban Breathnach, author of Simple Abundance. Yes, once again we have scientific evidence that stress affects the physical body in many harmful ways.

What about the more subtle or less talked about stress factors of the holiday season? What impact do the holidays have on the psyche? Well, the Holmes-Rahe Stressful Events Checklist lists celebrating a holiday as a "stressful life event." The holidays often involve either:

In some way, we are all affected by this time of year (no matter what our religious affiliation.) At the very least, everyone is affected by increased time spent in the check-out line at the store. I once heard a suggestion by someone who did not wish to "participate" in the holidays. He suggested that there be a special "non-participator" line at each store so that people who just want their gallon of milk can get it without waiting forever.

Well, instead of us all becoming "non-participators" or simply continuing to "suffer through" what is meant to be a joyful time, here are a few suggestions for decreasing holiday stress:

1) PLAN AHEAD:
Try to get various tasks completed before the holiday rush. (too late for that one? Keep reading.)

2) PRIORITIZE:
Since "everything" will probably not get done "perfectly," decide what really matters. Do you really need to bake cookies for everyone in the Western Hemisphere? Or would wearing a smile all day and giving someone a "cut" in line at the post office or bank be just as meaningful? (Besides, rest assured, those extra calories will find other ways to our loved ones!)

3) LET GO:
In addition to prioritizing tasks for the holidays, just simply let go of as many tasks as possible. With each task you remove from your self-imposed to do list, notice the surge of relief and joy envelope you!

4) GET SUPPORT:
Support from other people (and pets) is probably THE most effective intervention no matter what the stressor. From illness to school stress to work re-organization stress, support is significantly effective in making the difference for many! Just read many of the articles in the Journal of Human Stress (another sign of our times -- an entire scientific journal devoted to stress!) So, whether
it is support in maintaining sobriety, staying on a healthy diet, or scheduling for someone to be with you so you are not alone on the holidays -- get some support!

5) REMEMBER THE REASON:
No matter what one's religious affiliation, a time of giving can be uplifting! If Christmas is not your holiday, offer to cover a shift for a co-worker who would really appreciate the time off. Even if you do not have someone to spend time with over the holidays, offer to volunteer to visit a shut-in (in addition to making their holiday brighter, you'll help yourself in the process.) Volunteer your time and energy in some small way that is not necessarily monetary -- not only will this meaningful contribution make you feel good, the ripple effects will be far-reaching! When I recently tried to explain to my 3 year-old son that Christmas was baby Jesus' birthday celebration, he said, "gee mom, it's always someone else's birthday! Never mine!" Children can reflect societal influences quite well.

6) BE CHILD-LIKE AGAIN:
My son does have this one down! "Wow Mommy," he exclaims as we travel towards home, "look at the beautiful lights there and there and there!" Let your senses soak in the sights, sounds and smells of the season. Touch the soft bows and cuddly bears. Smell the scent of pine and apple cider. Taste the delicacies; savor them instead of scarfing them. Stop to reflect in front of the lights -- be they in the shape of a star or a tree or a Santa figure -- they are all beautiful and fun! While rushing around, take a moment to stop and enjoy in your own authentic and positive way!

However you spend the holidays, may you find something good this year -- even if it is the thought that "soon it will be over!"

MARRIAGE STRESS: Strife at home can make you sick

In two trials involving 120 couples, psychologists found that partners involved in relationship disputes were at risk for sickness. The findings were similar across the marriage spectrum of participants, whether a couple was newly married or wed for many years.

One study focused on newlyweds, the other on husbands and wives married an average of 42 years. Clinicians involved with the study conclude that, with proper conflict resolution, marriage partners can enjoy less stress through real listening and honest sharing of feelings and attitudes. The men studied were more likely to withdraw from or tune out during arguments, while the women were more likely to be distressed about the argument well after a heated dispute.

With the study, mental health practitioners who try to save marriages--counselors, social workers, psychiatrists, psychologists, clergy--now have the science to prove that arguments between couple can lead to battles inside the body. Long term health effects are not yet known.

High school sweethearts, the marriage of Chris and Katie Sharp was nearly shattered by increasing conflict between them, disputes both big and small. They reached the brink of divorce. “We started having little problems, and we just stopped communicating about them,” says Chris. “It just started creating bigger and bigger problems that we weren’t addressing. I’m a stubborn and hard-headed person.”

Katie agrees. The stress took a toll on her health, particularly when eating. “A bite of food made me sick to my stomach, so physically it did affect me,” she says. Both partners were concerned about their young son’s well-being since he had witnessed much of the tension and mutual frustration.

SQUABBLES TAKE THEIR TOLL

Ohio State researchers studied many couples like the Sharps, both newlyweds and couples who have been married for decades. They measured the stress hormones in their blood. Couples were brought in for joint counselling sessions on current disputes. Blood was analyzed intermittently.

The presence of the hormones are found to be linked not to the disagreements themselves, but to the way couples fight and resolve (or don’t resolve) conflicts. “They all had a problem that they were talking about, but those who talked about it in a hostile and negative way are the ones who had the negative immune effects,” reports Dr. George Solomon, MD, professor of psychiatry at University of California Los Angeles.

Solomon studies the way in which mind and the immune system interact. He says it’s important for couples to learn how to deal with the conflicts and stress that are inevitable in any committed relationship. In the study of the older couples, abrasive arguments were tied to a weakening of certain aspects of immune response.

Dr. Janice Kiecolt-Glaser, PhD of OSU’s new Institute for Behavioral Medicine Research who was involved in both studies, says that the findings from those headed toward golden anniversaries were more unexpected than the findings from the newlyweds. “You might expect that arguments would have less impact on older couples because they’ve gone through these disagreements many times before and have learned to deal with them,” says Kiecolt-Glaser. “But that’s not the case.”

Besides raised stress hormone levels, the older couples with weaker immune measures also described their usual marital disagreements as more negative.

“QUALITY” ARGUMENTS

Of particular interest was the continued elevated stress hormone levels of the women having husbands who withdrew from the arguments. “We’re probably seeing the results of the women thinking about and reliving the argument throughout the day,” Kiecolt-Glaser says.

The Sharps experienced this gender difference. Says Katie, “Whenever we would argue, I’d be up all night and he’d snore within five minutes.”

SENIORS MORE VULNERABLE

According to the researchers, while changes in immune response were seen in both newlywed and older couples, the effects may have greater consequences in older people as their immune systems are already waning. “Older adults have greater rates of illness and death due to infectious diseases compared to younger people,” Kiecolt-Glaser says. “Additional stress, such as from marital arguments, may put them at greater risk.”

RESPECTFUL COMMUNICATION IS KEY

Dr. Neenah Amaral, PhD, a marriage, family, and child counselor at the Advanced Psychology Center in Southern California sees marriage partners who are hurting in mind and body. “I often see that there are psychological symptoms that lead to physical symptoms when there’s stress in a relationship or in someone’s life,” she says. “A lot of neck strain, headaches, sometimes stomach aches.”

The San Diego-based therapist has helped the Sharps get back on track through counselling. “They learn how to fight fairly,” says Amaral. “They learn how to negotiate. They learn how to listen to one another ... communication can be developed to where there’s trust and respect between a couple.”

Amaral taught the Sharps standard dialogue techniques that helped the couple rebuild their family. One tip for resolving disputes: appreciate a spouse’s background. “Understand their background, because we bring forward to today everything that we’ve experienced and known from our childhood,” says Amaral.

The Sharps took their therapist’s lessons to heart. “You have to look at the reason why you first got married,” says Katie. “It’s harder to stay but it’s worth it. We still, you know, butt heads at things, but at least now I know how to address it,” she says.

Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young Engineer fresh out of the University of Alberta, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years, say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

Fatherly Encouragement

Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.

Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he
asked his son if he got a part.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's
been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be
giving you a speaking part."

For more information on this and other subjects go to Interventions Archive.  The EFAP assists you and your family resolve personal problems and maintain healthy and productive lives. 

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